With kids at 10, 8, and 6, it's AMAZING to me how fast the time passes. I mean, every single person you meet when you have littles tells you, "It goes by fast! Don't blink!" And I, in my sweet heart of hearts, kind of wanted to punch every person who said that to me. (I'm not the only one who feels this way, am I right?) Because it DOES go fast, but it's such a tiring wonderful exhausting perfect imperfect time of life. As my friend told me once, "The days are slow, but the years are fast." So true.
I continue to ask God to show me where I am substituting things in my life for Him. He continues to show me a particular problem I have - and I'm finding it super hard to stop.
It's this contradiction that happens with so many things in life - and the passing of time is a big place where I see this. I am so TIRED, as a mom, and sometimes at the end of the day I'm going through our bed time routine (which we call "night-nights") just praying I can make it through with a smile and a sweet word before I crash in my room for some quiet, alone time. The days can be LONG. I love my children, and they are precious, but the days can be LONG. They are full now of emotional struggles, difficult learning opportunities, and decisions that they make (and that I make) that can affect the rest of their lives. They are getting bigger, and their problems are likewise getting bigger.
When I get to my first quiet moment, guilt hits me IMMEDIATELY. Maybe even before my mind is quiet. I feel guilty for my impatience. I feel guilty that I am ready to be away from them for a few hours. Guilty because I know, from experience and from hundreds of well-meaning friends and strangers, I will miss these days desperately. I will miss having these sweet babies in my car, all talking at once for hours straight. I will miss little hands hanging on me. I will miss every thing that happens right now.
Mamas, it doesn't change how hard the days can be.
I am learning, but have not yet learned, that this is a place where I must, MUST rest in God's grace. I will seek to parent these hearts to the very best of my ability - and then beyond that by God's mercy and strength. I will seek that, because it brings glory to God and it is for my kids' good. But I will sometimes, at the end of the day when I have poured out my heart all day for these sweet babies, be ready to go to sleep. Happy even, to go to sleep. And in 10 years when my girls are grown, and I would give my right toe just to play dolls with my little girls again, I pray that God reminds me that I played dolls as often as I could. And sometimes played dolls when I couldn't, because God gave me extra patience. But when I feel guilty for that time I said no to dolls and spent an extra 30 minutes in the tub instead, I pray that God reminds me - that extra 30 minutes allowed me to paint nails the next day without strangling anyone.
It's a delicate balance. Doing our best without depending upon our own strength. Seeking to please the Lord without seeing him as a judgemental policeman. Enjoying the days without feeling guilty for enjoying a break from mothering, or working, or friending, or whatever it is we love, but need rest from, too.
God is often, OFTEN, in the balance. Work joyfully and rest happily, my friends.
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